Other than a mother and that’s ok.
I probably suspected this a while ago but I definitely know now.
I love motherhood. Adore it. I love the gift of raising my boys but I couldn’t do JUST that.
It’s taken me 3 years of mothering to realise that it’s ok for me to feel this way and I shouldn’t let the guilt of it destroy me.
To those of you tsk-tsking me, please let me explain. If you’re a stay-at-home mum and love it, I envy you deeply. I wished so hard to want to do this full time with no other distractions but it’s just not for me.
The joy and privilege of raising kids is more than I could ever ask for. I honestly love it so much. But I need more in my life than just being at home with them. And, I feel like I need to admit that for my own sanity.
I have sat and listened to women who talk about loving being ‘just a mother’ and it has slowly been eating away at me that I don’t feel that way too.
I know as a mother, I’m moulding young minds and contributing to something so incredibly valuable but that’s half the reason I want to do more too.
I have big dreams. Dreams, that, for the life of me, I can’t ignore anymore. And if there’s one thing that I’ve realised, it’s that a happy mum is more important.
A happy mum is always more important, more available and has so much more to give.
I have spent so much time crying to my husband that I don’t feel fulfilled but those tears were only because of the heart-wrenching guilt I felt that motherhood didn’t fulfil me like it did other people.
It probably has a lot to do with my personality. I’ve always had big dreams and intense drive so I’ve learnt now that it would be far more valuable for my boys to see me going after what I love, rather than me sitting at home dreaming about it.
It also has a lot to do with the call of God too. The call of God which weighs heavy on my heart every day. The call of God which rings louder than anything else in my life. His purpose, His plan and His future are far bigger than what I could imagine and I couldn’t stay still knowing that walking God’s path is far greater. It moves me, propels me and drives my life.
I read this quote by Christine Caine which has never left me:
“When I married this man 20 years, we promised each other that we would spend our lives loving each other AND staying focused on Jesus and His call upon our lives. We did not throw away the call when we got married and had children. We did not choose to focus on our own nuclear family and exclude the rest of humanity. We did not choose to settle in to some domesticated, sanitised, safe, comfortable, convenient religious observation. We did not choose to use marriage and family as an excuse to not do what we were called to do. Instead, we chose to continue to embrace the faith adventure DAILY. It is not always easy, it is not always safe, it is not always comfortable, it is not always convenient but obedience was never meant to be all of those things. Jesus did not come to make us safe, he came to make us dangerous to the kingdom of darkness.’
That’s what I want for my life.
I’m something other than a mother and that’s ok.